Thursday, March 15, 2012

Depression Not The END

If I had never been depressed, how do I know the meaning of real happiness? If I do not know what is cold, how do I know what is hot? For knowing what is pain when you fall down, you want to learn. You want to learn why you fall down, so that you will not fall down again to suffer the pain twice. If you have not taste the bittergourd, do you know what is bitter? 

I have tasted all aspects of life. The sweet, the salty, the spices and the bitter of life. Life is never so meaning as now. My life seems to have just begin. I had just written a post, "The Genuine Smile" at Happiness Is Bliss, my blog about woman, woman's health, any matter pertaining to woman and all about happiness. I can confidently tell you what is The Genuine Smile today, if you read the post and you see my photograph, with the brown sentences below the picture. 

I was depressed at a time where I was not happy with my job and at the same time, I was very fed up with my family life. I hate those days. But I am not going to leave all this with me when I am gone. When I am alive, I am going to LIVE to TELL my story, my life story, a story of a mediocre life, nothing special, nothing glamourous, but a real life, real story, unlike the TV shows and Movie. 

I faced medical supplies and medical equipments everyday. I smelled 'hospital'. I 'live' in the refrigerator, the environment was extremely cold. However, I never complained about work. I worked to get my monthly pay. I worked to earn money -- Money for my future, money for my house with Richard, money for buying my favourite decorations and everything for my house. 

Richard and I got our first house, our home. I was happy with Richard. We were happy, but the problem came also when the house came. It was a long story, which I will write slowly at appropriate time and relevancy. I suffered depression. I cried, I was very stressed and I thought of what was the meaning of living. I told the doctor what I saw and he thought that I had schizophrenia. But I know truly well, what kind of condition and what kind of situation I was in. I can still remember what I saw. I can tell you, I did not hallucinate. It was really something which I saw. I do not need anyone to believe me, but I know what I was doing and I still know what I am doing. Believe or not whether I am normal, abnormal, sick or not sick, does not matter.

At the hospital I worked so hard, I put on latex gloves while at work and I worked seriously. Back home, my new home (Richard and my home), I could not stand messiness and dirt. I cooked, I cleaned and I washed, everything which the housewife would do. I also need to work. I thought I came home and I could have peace and comfort. A home to rest after a hard day of work. But I was wrong. It was nightmare, back in those days where Richard and I had our first house. Richard was not the culprit, the cause of the nightmare. It was his father. I could still remember the kind of things he did. I hate it. 

At work, I thought of my problems at home. At home, I had to face the problems. I, eventually could not take it and resign from my job, and my relationship with my father-in-law, Richard's father soured. Today, his father and his mother were divorced. I would not want his son to be like him one day. 

I was depressed when my husband left me for another woman. I was happy when I met new love. I was happy when my husband came back. I am happy now that I know what I want and what is my purpose of living. Life may be hard but I choose what I want, this path. And I know that all these things which happened, everything that I had gone through are not without purpose. I will live to tell you my 'depression' experience, my 'schizophrenia' experience as what the doctor had said, and what kind of mental illnesses I had witnessed in people around me.

Psychiatrists are never 100% correct. They are just people like us, but they studied and they are qualified psychiatrists. But how sure are you that the psychiatrist themselves are 'normal' people and they are not psychologically healthy people? Studies, theories and practical are always different. If the researchers and scientist are so smart, why they cannot win the viruses? If Psychologists and Psychiatrists can read the minds of every person and predict their steps and actions and 'cure' these people, there would not be so many mentally-ill patients in the hospital. But I will tell you my views of all these illnesses, based on my own experiences and what I see, hear and know.

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